How the Tooth Fairy, Like, Totally Scammed the Boogeyman

by Derek J. Goodman

Clay rolled off Lisa, and some of the hundred dollar bills that had been strewn all across the bed stuck to his sweaty back. Having sex on top of all the money they had just ripped off had been Lisa’s idea, and while it had seemed like a good idea in the moment, Clay had’t realized just how uncomfortable it would be. He also did not relish the idea of trying to spend it and trying to explain why the bills were covered in sweat and come stains. Lisa, however, did not seem to care about whether or not it was comfortable, nor did she look like she was thinking of spending it. Instead she cooed softly, her eyes closed and her face still flushed after her orgasm, and picked up a handful of bills to rub against her chest.

"That was great," she said. "That was, like, so great, you know?"

Clay pushed a small stack of bills out of his way, not paying them any mind as they flittered to the floor, and closed his eyes as the post-sex drowsiness prepared to take him. "Yeah, you were good, too."

Lisa lightly smacked him in the stomach and belched out her familiar annoying donkey-bray of a laugh. "I meant the con, silly. That was so totally much awesomer than anything else we’ve done."

Clay opened his eyes and looked over at her, not sure whether to thank God that he had given Clay such an easy to please partner or curse him for forcing her into Clay’s life. She knew so little about grifting that he had to hold her hand through almost every stage of their plans, and she had not yet figured out just how tired and worn Clay’s particular act was. Today’s scam had just been a variation of the Pigeon Drop, one that they had actually managed to screw up royally, and if their mark, a fat old man with a scraggly white beard and some strange northern-sounding accent, had not been so incredibly naïve they would have surely been busted. It was only by luck that they had been able to get away with it. The size of their haul today went a small way towards making Clay feel better about it, but he knew his pride would not let him enjoy the moment for much longer.

And yet Lisa did not seem to understand how close they had come to screwing up. She lay on her side smiling at him, a smile that he had always felt was vaguely disturbing with her impossibly white and strangely large teeth showing between her lips, and she looked absolutely pleased with herself. When he had first met her he had intended to make her yet another of his many marks, but she had proven be occasionally smarter than her valley girl way of talking would have implied. She was just smart enough that she did not usually make a mess of things but not so much that she thought she could run any scams without him.

"Maybe we should take a break for a bit," Clay said. "We have enough money to live nicely for a while."

Lisa’s mouth dropped open at what he was saying. He wished she would’t do that. Her teeth somehow managed to look even larger with her mouth open, and it gave her a strange, slightly inhuman look. It even looked like she had more teeth than she was supposed to have. "No way, dude! We’re just getting really good!" Clay had to keep from snorting. Lisa did not notice. "And I know exactly who we should scam next."

This time Clay was unable to keep from audibly groaning. "Lisa, I know how much you’re starting to like all this, but I don’t really think you’re ready to come up with cons by yourself."

"No, listen, alright? This is totally a great idea." She started to say something else, then paused and looked thoughtful for a moment. Then she shook her head. "No, maybe not. I don’t think you’re ready for him yet. He’s totally out of your league." Clay raised an eyebrow, but Lisa did not seem to realize the irony of her own statement. She sat up on the bed, brushed away several of the bills that still stuck to her (she missed several that still clung to her back, but the sight was too amusing for Clay and he did’t say anything), and gave him a smile, the more pleasant kind with her mouth closed. "I’m going to take a shower, and then we can, like, go spend some of this. Maybe a nice dinner? I’m starving. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had good Italian? Probably not since, like, a month ago when…"

Her string of babble continued all the way to the bathroom, but Clay had stopped listening by that point. Sometimes she could be so annoying that he just wanted to shoot her, but she had proven herself at least semi-competent. Maybe it was time to have her prove herself, perhaps give her a little test. He had no intention of staying with her forever. There was even a small possibility that at some point he would have to kill her as he had his last partners. If he was going to keep her around for now, however, then she had to show that she had some ability to think on her feet.

He got up from the bed, brushed a few bills from his own body, and went to the bathroom door.

"Hey Lisa, hold up," he said as he opened it. "Why don’t you tell me more about… this… um, guy?"

They both stood there for several seconds staring, Clay with his hand still on the doorknob, and Lisa paused in the process of trying to shake off the hundred dollar bills that were still stuck to her wings.

Her wings. The words just keep repeating over and over in his mind. Lisa had wings. They were shimmery and translucent things, vaguely resembling those of a dragonfly except for the fact that they were each somewhere around three feet long. As Clay watched the last bill slipped free and fluttered to the floor.

"I guess I should, like, try explaining?" Lisa said.

"Yeah," Clay said. "I guess you, like, should."